WEDDING RAIN PLAN

Rule #1 for a wedding planner: ALWAYS have a rain plan. A TENT is a rain plan. An inside option is a rain plan. Umbrellas are NOT enough for a rain plan.

The ONLY time people are forced to stand en masse in a drenching downpour is a funeral. Not a wedding.

Since I am a wedding PLANNER, my excuse to watch the latest Bachelor TV wedding affair - Jason and Molly's downpour - is RESEARCH. Research in what NOT to do.

The last time I watched the Bachelor was when Trista and Ryan had their pink wedding extravaganza, which I think was about 10 years ago.

I mean, other than the Jake and Vienna train-wreck, which I pretended NOT to watch, but accidentally got sucked into that vortex of weekly jaw-dropping cliche.

I maintained blog- silence about Vienna and her antics and conniving, and her bad hair, and shameless manipulation, and overt pushiness... But this wedding-in-a-hurricane? It's caused me to break my Bachelor-Silence.

The LUCKY and HAPPY COUPLE "Jason and Molly, Everyone!" Is Jason saying "Awesome, we are married!" or more likely "Awesome, we can go inside now."? Molly appears to be apologizing to her guests who have bravely sat in a storm. Soaked - his sad little sideways boutenierre, her high dollar coiffure and make-up job, the upholstered benches, and every guest who did not get up and leave the storm site. Just guessing here, but most brides and grooms would have been happier getting married in a stairwell.

The glass vases, lining the aisle, contain a LOT of water from the downpour. (No flowers or candles in there, because...it's raining.) Quarts of water. Take that local weather reporters - instead of inches of rain, it rained in quarts and gallons. And a Monique Lhuillier couture wedding gown mopping it up.

Some of the lush upholstered benches had to be covered in the blue tarps you get from Home Depot or Wal-Mart. Thus, the guests who DID sit in the storm were sitting on plastic in puddles of water.

Chris Harrison said cheerfully (at first, cheerfully, later ruefully), "This wedding is going on rain or shine." There was never any shine. A Photoshopped rainbow did NOT create the illusion that the sun did shine. Cliche. Accented with the song. More cliche.

Also, no WIND plan. They poor officiant could barely control his script, much less make himself heard over the wind and the rain. Poor pitiful Molly trying to say her heartfelt 'self-composed' vows with her hairsprayed hair whipping around all over her face. Really? Was that necessary?

Long ago I had a bride who discovered about 10 minutes before her wedding was to start that she had forgotten to bring the veil to the church. The veil was still at her apartment, which was 45 minutes away in great traffic. One way. So, delay wedding start by roughly an hour +++. I gently suggested that she just get married without the veil, since the chapel was already full of her guests. Not to be, my friends. She said, "I paid $27 to rent that veil, and I'll be damned if I walk down the aisle without it." So, the organist took a break, her guests got up and went outside and chatted, she went outside on the balcony overlooking the courtyard where her guests were enjoying the warm spring day, and waved to them while she took a smoke break, and her cousin retrieved the rented veil. An hour later we convened the wedding, which took about 12 minutes, rented veil and all. And then everyone went back outside for more chatting and smoking.

This Molly-and-Jason- tropical-storm-theme wedding felt like that. "We (we being ABC) sold all this advertising and got all this product placement, and we'll be damned if we aren't going ahead with our outdoor garden-of-eden wedding, wind, rain, cold temperatures and all." There must have been some huge cancellation clause in those contracts. HUGE.

Certainly all those wedding vendors and planners and suppliers who had their wedding services featured in this $$$ wedding-dream-chance of a lifetime to wallow in excess, were especially thrilled to see their products highlighted. . . in a MONSOON.

I had to cheer for the wedding planner, who clearly demanded the right to say - thus salvage her career - "I would have had a rain plan, and we would be warm and dry inside right now." I guess she threatened to sue, since who in the world would hire a planner who did not have a RAIN PLAN?

For clarity - umbrellas are not a rain plan. Cheap, clear umbrellas are a last-minute faux rain plan. Who got the job of running out and purchasing a case of cheap and not sturdy, clear (not black) umbrellas? The wind had no problem destroying them. Cartoonishly upside down umbrellas, drenching pouring rain, epic wind, and clearly cold temps - as most of the guys were coatless, and most of the women were wearing men's suit jackets. The new pashmina - your husband's coat. Or maybe it's the old pashmina.

QUESTION - how long between Molly and Jason's monsoon-wedding and the reception? Since EVERYONE had to go home and get into dry clothes. Also dry hair and new make-up. Also new and dry everything. Did they have a back-up wedding dress? A dry one?

So - to assure anyone who wonders - I always have a rain plan.

Also a HOT plan . . .

A MUD plan, for sure! Also wind.

A COLD plan , ice, snow, no power, caterer gets sick, florist miscounts but finds missing bouquet plan . . .

Parking plans, for sure.

Band locks equipment in a garage and the power goes out but comes back on in time plan.

Don't mess up the make-up plan, for sure! (It's also called a STRAW.)

We have plan A, plan B, and plan C for every single item.

Also 'PLAN Z' which is obviously the one we use.